random thoughts... all free today

the next step

my dad was right.  i woudn't know what the next step was until i got myself together.  well i'm together (mostly) and now i'm at my second step.

i'm taking care of my priorities which is immediately taking care of me.  come monday it will be taking care of the boys but for right now they are with norm camping and it's just me to worry about. 

i woke up this morning to my phone ringing and talked with my dad.  for the first time in the last few days i didn't start to immediately cry.  i didn't even cry when i was on the phone with him.  i dunno if i'm out of tears or if i'm learning how to wear the situation as each day passes.  maybe a little bit of both.

this second step is pretty basic and simple and right now i can handle that.  take care of me and my babies and keep us moving forward and together.  in the days to come i have no doubt i will stumble and maybe even fall but for now i just focus on what's directly in front of me and i'll make it through.

anyone that knows me well knows that in situations where i don't know what is going to happen i go a little crazy.  i like to be in control, i like to plan things out, i like to ready my expectations.  right now i have no earthly clue what the future holds for me, for casey, for the boys, for our future.  i can't control it, i can't predict it and right now i can do absolutely nothing about it.  that has been tremendously hard for me to accept but i have.  i have said my piece, told him how i feel and said my apologies.  he knows that i want to try to make this work, knows that i love him and want him to come back but reminding him of that every chance i got was smothering him and hurting him and while i feel the need to talk he wants to forget for a little while.  we both need a break and this is probably the extreme of a break but it's necessary.  so i'm working very hard on giving him space.  there's nothing more i can do or say to change his mind.  i'm letting go and i'm letting God and whatever happens happens and i just have to learn to be ok with that.  the waiting truly is the hardest part.

i believe i have already kind of given up in some small way that he will come back.  tried to prepare my mind for that reality because it's a very good possibility that might happen.  he's back home where he's always wanted to be, among family and friends and where he felt he belonged all this time.  it's a fight i can't win and i knew i never could win. 

that stupid counselor was right...he WILL go back to Dallas...it's just a matter of when.  :(  at the time i told that counselor she was full of shit...he loved me and the kids and said he was here because of us.  she told me it didn't matter, it was his home and if he kept bringing it up and constantly kept going back to visit and making that more of a priority it was only a matter of time before he would go back for good.  if he didn't make the decision that we, him and me and the boys were his home, his priority, then i could count on it to happen.  Dallas is his mistress and he keeps going back to her no matter how much he loves me. she is always waiting in the wings ready for things to fail so she can take him away from me forever.  well i'd say i've achieved an "A" in failure and he's back with her now, quite possibly for good.  it's a very tough pill to swallow and i'm still trying to accept it.

so i'm waiting, albeit impatiently, but with the knowledge that i can't do anything but wait.  wait on him, even though i've been waiting on him for nearly 3 years now.  wait for him to decide, for him to keep the ball or throw it back to me.  i'm trying very hard not to be a defeatest and think that this is over, trying to leverage that with the hope that it's not.  expecting the best but preparing for the worst.  what a paradox.

i'm off to start my saturday.  i'm NOT gonna spend all day in my jammies being a bum.  i have things to do, i have ME to take care of and lately that's a full time job.

peace,

~h

in the meantime

it's been just about 48 hours since the fight that ended it all began. 

about 45 hours since he walked out that door and out of our lives.

28 hours since i spoke to him on the phone last...since i asked him to please reconsider.

21 hours since i stood in the kitchen holding my 11 year old boy and consoling his sobbing and telling him it would be ok that we would all be OK.

12 hours since i crawled out of bed that contained not only me, but connor, jackson and the dog.

8 hours since the last text i received from him that basically said he needed time and to quit bothering him about this.

8 hours and 10 minutes since I apologized for making a bad decision.  AGAIN.

2 hours since i cried.

1 hour since i decided that i hated him for making me feel like this and never wanted to see him again.

1 hour 15 seconds since i decided that i really love him and that i want him to come home.

1 hour and 30 mins since i caught myself saying "we" instead of "I"

10 minutes since i checked facebook to see if he posted anything about missing me as much as i miss him or said anything about how hard this is or even changed his relationship status.

about 5 seconds since i have thought of how much i miss him.

this meantime is hard.  i hope i have the strength and a multitude of activities to get me through tomorrow.

~h

and so it begins

he's gone.

he's really gone. and i'm still in shock and i can't breathe without wanting to cry at the same time.  there's a knot in my stomach and my heart feels like it's being squeezed.  the tears sting hot at the corners of my eyes every single second.  i'm blinking a lot to keep them from falling and i'm taking a lot of deep breaths to keep from sobbing or screaming, take your pick.

i messed up.  i messed up in a pretty bad way.  i let my pride, my stubborness and my hurt completely eclipse the urge to tell him the things i needed to say and that he needed to hear.  things that i haven't said for months now because my resentment has built a layer of filth all around me and everyone that comes in contact with it was immediately poisoned by it.  i told him to leave.  i've told him to leave repeatedly the past few months.  last night i told him yet again and he did.  he did.  i never thought he would and if i did entertain the thought it was always about how much better off i'd be, how much easier it would be without the extra weight on my shoulders.  how wrong i was.  the weight is heavier than ever now and i can't function because of it. it's killing me.

he tried so hard to talk to me while he was gathering his things.  tried a couple times.  i completely snubbed him, told him to not speak to me.  this didn't have to happen.  it didn't have to be this way.  i could have said something anything and it would have stopped being so...so....HEARTWRENCHING.  i should have talked to him, told him how hurt i was and that i needed him to not leave but to just change his behavior just as i needed to change mine.  a conversation that should have been had months ago.  now he's in another state and i feel like i'm dying.

i read once that anytime you have a life changing event you will forever from that point on refer to the resulting halves of your life as "before" and "after" the event.  Right now i'm in the crux of "after" casey left.  everything else is now known as "before" casey left.  in the "after" i am terribly regretful, heartsick, distraught and scared.  this "after" sucks and i hope i can get past just this day and hopefully the rest will follow suit and be a bit easier. hell...i'd settle for getting past the next 5 minutes in hopes that the 5 after would be easier.

appearance wise i definitely match the way i feel.  my eyes are red and swollen, my hair a mess and my nose raw and red from blowing it so many times.  i showered this morning and thought i could have a sob fest where the kids couldn't see/hear.  not very successful.  apparently the sobs were pretty loud and jackson came running to see what was wrong with mommy.  this is the hardest part.  the putting on the brave face when all you want to do is huddle into a ball and sob, be sad, experience the excruciating pain and loss and hopefully get some of it out of your system before it backs up again.  but those little brows that knit together, those searching little eyes, those little embracing arms and that little voice that says "you ok mommy?  is your heart broken?" send me into a tailspin like nothing else.  my poor babies.  they know mommy is upset, they know why but they can't really apply it to how it affects them directly.  at least jackson can't.  connor just knows mom is upset and he's giving me extra hugs and even made me coffee this morning.  my boys...they are the best blessings ever EVER.  the reason i am putting on the brave face and making occasional dashes for the bathroom or bedroom in hopes of hiding my hurt and my tears from them.  i keep saying to them we will be ok...it will be ok....it's all gonna be ok.

my dad said to just get myself together.  quit crying in front of the kids.  if you have to fake that everything is ok then do it.  they need mommy right now and mommy needs to be strong and act like a normal human being.  the next step won't come until i accomplish getting myself together.  the next step? not sure...won't know until we finish this one.  we talked for a bit, mostly he talked and let me cry and let me calm down only to start crying again.  we prayed together and i felt so much better.  he's right.  i can do this.  it's just soooo hard right now and hard to see how it will ever be easier again.  EVER.  but he's a smart man that dad of mine and i'll listen and do as he says because he hasn't ever steered me wrong yet.  my heart and state of mind are in good hands....my Father's and my father's.

i have no clever words to close with or words of wisdom to impart.  i'm very much at a rough spot in my life and just needed to talk about it...so here it is and for now it's enough.

~h 

you think he's a little impatient?

Norm had an appointment today on the other side of the valley so he dropped the boys off this morning so he didn't have to take them with him.  First thing jackson did was walk to the fridge (even though he's the PICKIEST eater) and then wanted a piece of fruit.  Well I have no fruit in the fruitbowl presently but there were a couple fortune cookies in there. 

He asks for a fortune cookie so i let him have one.  Immediately asks me to read his fortune to him.  It reads:

"Your dreams will become reality"

He asks me to explain.  I told him "it means all your dreams will come true."

Without missing a beat he says "when???"  yeah...he's a bit impatient.

:D  cracked me up.  He had the other fortune cookie as well and it was THE SAME fortune.  He laughed and told me that it must mean it will happen pretty soon if he got two that were the same!

They are so funny these kids.  Just had to share my bit of silliness for a Saturday.  Time to get my hiney in the kitchen and make some dinner.  cooking for one is a new adventure so i'll probably end up with enough for 10 and be eating the same thing for lunch/dinner for the next few days. 

happy saturday!

~h

Come to paradise!

New contest heating up over in paradise.....Croppin' Paradise that is!

http://www.croppinparadise.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=6660

Ya gotta hurry though...sign-ups end Friday!!!

See you in Paradise my friends!

~h

3M ROCKS my world...or at least holds it together pretty damn well

A little over a year ago I took the plunge and indulged myself with this:

 

I'd read the reviews of how everyone just LOVED this thing for scrapbooking.  LOTS AND LOTS of adhesive per roll and as far as economical the adhesive lasted FOREVER.  As a person that at the time was scrapping as much as humanly possible with a busy life, i was going through those little tape runners at an alarming rate.  $6 a pop for refills was quickly adding up and while the initial investment of the ATG (about $50 retail) was a bit steep it made sense in the long run.

So i got one and once it was delivered into my hot little hands i was an adhesive applying FOOL.  I was totally impressed with the strength of the adhesive as well as how eas it was to apply.  yes the gun was a bit unwieldy at first but i quickly caught on.  I went through about a roll and a half of adhesive when the problems began.

It would bind up or pull, the tapes were beginning to snap when i was using it and that is NO END OF FRUSTRATING.  So i chalked it up to me being a dumbass and not using it correctly and rewound the tapes ENDLESS times.  Still not working.  I took the tape out, inspecting the "guts" of the gun thinking maybe something was too tight.  took a screw driver to a couple screws to loosen the rolls.  NOTHING was helping.

I put the gun away and nearly a year had passed.  Started buying the $6 refills for my little tape runner again.  Until late one night after tackling the massive amounts of wedding invitations i was making for casey's sister (and making two trips to buy more refills), i thought i'd do some research.  there had to be SOMETHING about the ATG gun that i was missing and i was gonna find out if i really was the only dumbass that couldn't make it work right.  enter the internet.  (angels singing)  I found many sites that had folks posting about similar problems, indicating that  bad batch of ATG guns was produced right around the time i bought mine.  AH-HA it wasn't ME!  (at least i truly hoped so)

Quite a few people had contacted 3M themselves and had great results with them replacing their defective ATG guns. Figured what the hell.  yes it had been over a year since i had purchased mine and they might tell me to go to hell but they might also HELP ME.  So i emailed them LATE that night.  And by 5:30am the next morning I had a wonderful email from Barb.  (angels singing again)  She wanted my phone number so she could call and make some arrangements with me.  So i emailed right back with my number and i KID YOU NOT about 20 minutes later my phone rang.

Barb is the SWEETEST lady and OMG soooo helpful.  Not only did she set up to send me a postage paid label for me to send my defective gun BACK she walked me through the steps to temporarily fix the gun i did have so i could finish up all those wedding invitations.  I was floored.  companies don't DO that anymore and it was soooo pleasant to be so well taken care of.  And by a REAL person who knew her stuff! 

After her quick fix the gun worked MUCH better, and i told her if that would fix the gun i had there really was no need to send it back.  She insisted that they send me a BRAND NEW one because "it should have worked that way the first time out of the box and for that we are very very sorry...you will be getting a new one that works ALL THE TIME."  I must have been on the phone with her for a good half hour and she was SUCH a delight.  Barb....i know you might NEVER read this but just in case you do, I want to say how WONDERFUL an employee and a person you are.  You have made me one HAPPY HAPPY crafter!  3M is lucky indeed to have you on their staff!

to anyone on the fence about getting a ATG gun, please DO NOT hesitate.  Not only is it a great product (i just got my new one in the mail this week) but the customer service is PHENOMENAL.  They TRULY stand behind their product and that is worth ANY price.

Thank you Barb and 3M for making my crafting life absolutely BLISS!

~h 

creativity from the weekend *yay*

Got to scrapbook yesterday and this is what i made:

 

And of course you can't forget those delicious details:

 

Notice that very cool patch?  The one from those kits that i picked up at Michael's on friday and couldn't wait to use?  I LOVE those things and i'm totally gonna use another one because they inspire me.  I also used some very OLD product from my stash, including the Cherry Arte background paper.  i've had that line in my drawer for a couple years now and finally got around to using it.  With casey being out of work, i've gotta use what i got instead of buying all the new stuff.  I'm finding that digging through my many MANY drawers, boxes and bins of stuff is giving me brand new eyes for things that i've had for EVER.  It's refreshing and i feel good about using the stuff instead of just hoarding it.

Just wanted to share my little bit of creativity from this weekend.  I think next weekend i'll be working on a home decor piece for connor's bedroom.  that skull and roses patch is BEGGING to be used.  :D

happy monday,

~h

new goodies

Stopped at Michael's yesterday to pick up the 12x12 frames they had on sale for $5.  Just happened to stop by the clearance racks at the front of the store and happened upon these babies:

 

 

At under $2 each i had to grab them up.  (regular price $7.99?  who would pay that for these???)  There's a total of 8 patches in each one and OH MY are they very very cool.  There's no sticky backing like you would usually find on the back of typical iron-on patches so they are PERFECT for scrapbooking.  My favorite is the "vintage" one.  The humor on each patch is sublimely cheeky and i LOVE it.  The tattoo one is mostly for Connor....he loves ANYTHING with skulls on it.

Just wanted to share my inspiring find for CHEAP CHEAP.  Go to Michael's and check them out for yourself!

have a great saturday!

~h

CHECK IT OUT!!! COME WIN ME!!!

Go to Imaginisce Blog for a chance to win their newest gadget the I-top.  I sooooo want one of these babies....just IMAGINE (ha ha get it?) the things you could do with this!!!

Seriously....go click now and leave a comment and link back to your blog like i did.  you might get one of your very own!

~h 

two things

1. jackson did great at swimming lessons last night.  he was so excited to go to lessons last night that he bugged casey about it at least hourly all day yesterday.  "Casey....are we going to the pool now?"  "how much longer?"  "when will my mommmy be home so we can go swimming?"  I'm very happy that he is FINALLY excited about learning to swim and kind of over the fear and apparent torment it brings him.

about halfway in the teacher produced his MOST FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE SWIMMING WORLD.  kickboards.  he looooves kickboards.  like really reallyloves them.  well his feat on monday of jumping into the pool from the side and swimming a fair distance to the teacher buoyed his fearlessness.  he decided about 5 feet from the side of the pool that he really didn't needthat kickboard.  he could swim now.  so he let go of the darned thing and started to flap his arms and legs crazily, trying to get to the edge of the pool.  he got about 2 feet and then went down.  once.  twice.  halfway into three.  his little shrieks muffled by him going under water again.  the teacher wasn't paying attention at first (focusing on the last child to get to the side instead) but then spotted him just as one of the other kids in his class (who just happens to be 5 foot plus) picked him up out of the water and held him until she got there.  he was shaken, obviously.  he was coughing and choking a little bit but she comforted him and kept a smile on her face the whole time.  i'm thankful.  thankful that he had this incident to scare him back into reality.  yes...he's getting better but he can HARDLY swim yet.  i had a feeling something like this would happen sooner rather than later and i'm glad it happened with so many people around to help him out.  it scared him enough to show him that he still has a long ways to go to be a good, strong swimmer.  but not enough to make him swear off learning.  i'm terribly relieved that a) he was ok and b) that he still is just as excited to go today. 

2. I'm bored at work right now and thought i'd blog surf a bit.  i stumbled across this blog:

Cry It Out - memoirs of a stay-at-home dad

I have to say that today's post brought me to tears.  tears because i remember those days and it brought them all back so poignantly.  the pain and the joy of having a newborn and going through all those same things.  it's very refreshing to me to hear the viewpoint of a stay-at-home dad.  If anyone wants to check it out, he's a great writer.  

So i think that's it for now.  i'm leaving work in 26 minutes and it can't go by fast enough.

happy humpday,

~h