random thoughts... all free today

Lady Killers R Us?

At the dinner table this evening Jackson was telling Casey about a girl he thought Casey would think was "really pretty" and that he should "check her out".  Casey wanted to know why Jack wanted him to check out another girl "Don't you think your mommy is pretty?"  Jackson didn't really answer that question but responded with:

"But Casey, you just gotta see Marisa.  When you look at her you will have hearts in your eyes."  (he said this is a semi-dreamy tone which was absolutely ADORABLE)

We both bit our tongues to try and keep from laughing because it was soooo darned cute.  After dinner Casey probed a little further and it turns out jackson really likes marisa.  he thinks she's pretty and nice.  I'm absolutely amazed because jack is pretty anti-social.  It's part and parcel of his ADHD but this is a new development and i have to say i'm pretty relieved.  I've seen my son soooo many times all alone at the playground because no one wants to play with him.  He's bossy and controlling and sometimes just plain loses it because things don't go his way.  My heart breaks everytime i see it.  You don't WANT for your child to not have any playmates but with jack i'd just kinda figured that's the way it was probably gonna be.

anyway....onto miss marisa.  *this* is a blessing.  I've seen him playing tag or chatting with this little girl quite a few times when i pick him up from school and i was happy to see him finally opening up a little and letting someone try to be his friend.  she's a little cutie too, big brown eyes and long dark hair.  she's chatted with me a couple of times and she's very sweet and has good manners.  i have to say i'm a proud momma.  not just because my son apparently has an innocent little crush going on but that he's finally, maybe even just a little, gaining some life skills and learning how to relate to other people and isn't afraid.  He's not acting shy or stand-offish.  He genuinely likes spending time with someone else and to my recollection he's never been like that with his peers.  Poor sweetie...i thought he'd be a loner forever.  thank goodness for sweet little brown-eyed girls named marisa.  :)

~h

Letting go

I'm just starting at this point and it's so hard.  Letting go of my boys.  And this is just the beginning.  Most mothers I talk to that have experience in this department tell me the same thing.  It never gets any easier.  With Connor, I was ready for him to grow up, ready for him to be more independent, ready for this child-raising business to be easier.  With Jack I just want time to stop.  Want him to stay little for a little while longer.  I'm so not ready for them to grow up.  Every step they take towards being independent from me is like some angry bird pecking at my heart.  Thinking of them one day not needing me at all is a thought I can't even fathom.  A day will come when they won't talk to me everyday.  They won't need me to steer the wheel of their lives.  Oy vey.

I suppose it's even harder now with Jack because he might very well be my last child.  I would love nothing more than to have another baby but Norm is in the "hell no, no more kids" camp and it's hard to sway him in my direction.  But that's perhaps another post for another time.

Jack started preschool Monday.  We had taken him a week before to tour the place, make sure he liked it.  He loved it there.  Threw a fit when we had to leave.  We felt that was a very good sign.  Signed him up to start a week later.  Well the day came and he went off to school, one happy little guy.  I had talked it up all weekend, telling him how much fun he was going to have, making new friends, playing games, learning new things.  He was so excited.  Kept saying "I go to skewwwww-o!"  "I pway wiff fwenz!!!!"  And he was happy, waved to Connor and I, blew us kisses along with his "see ya way-ter!!!"  I was sooooo relieved.  Connor never liked being taken to daycare.  Jack seemed to be a different story.  Seemed to be.

Jack caught a cold and missed preschool Tues and Wed.  So back we went on Thursday.  Look how cute he is!  (yes, he really is that little.  he'll be 3 in March)

 

Well come Thursday he had some problems.  He let me leave okay but was a little clingy.  I got him involved in playing with some magnets they had out before I left so he was distracted as I made my getaway.  Norm picked him up later that afternoon and they said he was weepy all day.  Ms. Tawny had to hold him a lot and they gave him extra loves because he was having a rough day.  No nap, didn't really eat lunch.  My heart SANK.  I started wondering if this was the right thing to do.

Here comes Friday.  I get him up, dressed, fed, ready for the day.  I asked him if he was ready to go to school and he seemed happy about it.  Until we approached his classroom door.  He started pawing at me to pick him up.  So I did, brought him into the class and then set him down and tried to get him to hang up his jacket.  He wanted nothing to do with that.  He immediately started whining and asking to be picked up.  Ms. Tawny was busy with another child, so I held him, talked to him, told him that he was going to have so much fun, that Daddy would pick him up later, etc. etc.  It wasn't working.  Ms. Tawny finally came over to take him off my hands and I had to peel him off of me.  As soon as she came over he started screaming, he was sooooo upset.  Kept saying "Mommy!!!! Nooooo!!!!!"  I made my escape quickly, against every single thing in me that cried out to stay, to cuddle him and soothe him.  I know that prolonged goodbyes are harder on them so I did as I should have but I hate the picture in my mind of his face, twisted into a howl, red and pinched, as if someone had folded it in half and then opened it again.  It just kills me so much.

I called Norm when I left and told him what happened.  I told him maybe we should take him out of the school.  He didn't seem to like it and it was killing me to have to leave him there everyday when he could be home with me.  Norm reasoned with me.  It was only his 3rd day, his first week.  He needed time to adjust and get used to it.  In the long run it will be good for him.  I know this.  I really do.  We wanted him to be more socialized with kids his own age.  Learn how to act and be around other kids, learn to share and follow directions.  We both agreed he needed this, it would be good for him.  But it still tears my heart to pieces to know he hates leaving me.  (and I hate leaving him)  The teachers say he'll get better, that he needs time to adjust.  Norm says when he picks him up each day, he's having a blast.  Playing with trucks or in the dirt, making friends, having a grand ole time.  I have to believe him, but the picture in my head is still of my screaming curly haired, doe-eyed boy, calling out for his mommy.  *sigh*  This letting go is so hard.  No one ever tells you how hard it will be, and even if they did, I don't think they could accurately get across the extent.  No matter how hard they tried.

~h